Okay if you didn't already read Ozark's post over on his own blog, he decided to not only ask for me back after almost a week of tears, but decided to do it on the microphone in front of 15 or so people while I had my Asshat on my head! LOL
That's what I get for being silly during a 'Best Ass' event.
I said yes, of course, though he and I will have a few issues to sort out before things can ever be the same as it was. Truthfully I don't know if things will be the same, but I'm keeping my hopes up.
Thank you all who offered kind words in IMs about this whole dramatic mess. You all are in my heart. :-)
After 9 hours of sleep and a few hours of blog perving, I finally decided to log back on and face a brand new day on Second Life. Among all the group notices and other words of advertisement... I found this:
Apolline Boucher: Guen i read your blog faithfully and saw the things you have written in the last couple of days. i just want to say you are my friend, i am always here if you want to talk or need someone just to listen. Apolline Boucher: i know you have many friends but i support you and care about you so never hesitate, ok? Apolline Boucher: love you Guenie
Tears started to flow for the upteenth time (how I have tears left at this point I don't know, but they did flow). I've only gotten to really know Apolline in the past few months but she truly is a sweet and dear person. Just those few sentences have given me hope that not all is lost in this dreary time. I'm still not fully up to speed, but this is a good start.
I'm not taking back any of the words I placed up 14 hours ago. It was after a series of events that basically made my heart feel exactly like the tattoo image above that I did months and months ago. Words have been said. Decisions have been made. Things have been done that can probably never be reversed.
I guess I'll just have to live with that.
If any of you need any uplifting/inspiring... check out this recent YouTube video:
So here I am in the middle of the night on Christmas typing my 200th post because these words are locked up in my head and need release. I have just an inkling of hope that maybe someone… somewhere will read this and understand.
Does anyone really understand? I’m not sure anymore. I just know that in the past two weeks my emotions have basically turned completely upside down and back again with me basically on the losing end of the battle. Why do I do this to myself? I always seem to let my emotions take over and my mind says, “Stupid girl… you know better than this. Why didn’t you listen?” I almost never listen, apparently.
As CS Lewis once said, there are 4 different forms of Love that a person will always deal with in their lifetime: Love of self, love of friends, love of a mate (or mates), and love of the divine. They all seem to be interlinked in their own ways. In truth you cannot be loved unless you love yourself… and the divine seems to give us the confidence to love yourself and therefore have others love you in return. Vicious cycle, isn’t it?
In the past two weeks, Second Life has tested all four of these through my psyche, and I’m not sure that I really want that to happen anymore. I feel like my self worth has been put to the test through the decisions I’ve made in my personal and professional life. The question of "Why did you do that?" constantly springs up in my head considering all I managed to do is wreck a few important relationships I had built upon for a very long time on Second Life. In two weeks three of these four loves CS Lewis talks about were completely shot out the window. Will the divine still be there to hold me and say that everything will be alright despite the things I have done? Despite the decisions I have made?
I’m not sure about anything anymore except that the love I have given to others has backfired… and made me not want to love myself. I cannot truly forgive myself for the things that have happened. I cannot accept the hurt and strife that I have caused to myself and my loved ones. For what it’s worth, I offer my deepest apology to those I have hurt whether it was intentional or otherwise. I hope you all can at least forgive me for the emotional turmoil I caused. I certainly would forgive you for the same.
I love you all and hope you have a happy holiday. I’ve completely fucked up mine.
*sigh* It weighs heavily on my heart even as I type this sentence, but Oz and I have parted ways as a couple. Now before you all start with, "OMG Guen, you beyotch! How could you do such a thing?" I want to set a few things straight.
A lot of emotions flared for a lot of people when Daisy said that she was leaving Second Life. I started hearing a few stories going back and forth surrounding the club, friendships, and relationships that seemed to stem (though not all directly) from her departure. I'm not blaming Daisy in any way for what happened between myself and Ozark, mind you. A lot of changes seemed to intermingle in the last two weeks which have caused relationships between a lot of people to evolve or even to diminish.
In Ozark's and my case, it truly started when he accepted the position to help run a new club and I accepted the position to help run an existing club. Along with my shop, our various DJ schedules and the 7 hour timezone difference... the strain was already starting to be felt and I knew it was only going to get worse.
My fears were further personified when another couple broke up within the last two weeks and they have been at each others' throats like wild dogs. Nasty things were said in IMs, profiles, and actions between these two that made me realize... Oz and I could end up like that. I didn't want us to end up like them... or like Wyatt and I ended up a year before.
It was not an easy decision, let me tell you. In fact it was downright painful... but I wanted us to continue as good friends instead of enemies. There were tears and there were thoughts of 'maybe we can make this work', but in the end I think this is for the best.
Is it shitty that this happened right before the holiday? I won't deny that one bit. I had to go with my instinct, though. Now if I can only make my instinct and my heart say the same thing. :-(
Yay my first (and probably my only) Dress Me Up photo!
Chestnut Rau suggested that I try a kimono so I decided to grab one of the best. This is the Junihitoe from Cherry Toyko Kimonos. This design was just so beautiful that I couldn't pass it up :-) To make the picture -just- perfect, I decided to take a trip to the Japanese Tempura sim and find a nice quiet spot where I could still see the sunset. The kimono looks even more beautiful in front of the cherry blossoms in the background. :-)
I hope you all enjoy!
Kimono - Junihitoe ~ Cherry Tokyo Skin - Elisabeth in Medusa ~ Tuli Hair - Naoko in Black ~ ETD Hair Pin - Geisha II in Silver ~ Miriel
YAY I finally caught a blog challenge before it was completely over. :-P
This was started earlier this week by Achariya and darn it this one I find very fascinating. I'm just like many others in that I tend to choose some of the same stuff. Let's see what you guys want to dress me up as. Suggestions for skins are also welcome, tho not all of them tend to look good on my shape.
Here's the rules in case ya haven't seen this before. :-)
1. Post a picture of yourself in your underpants. 2. In this post, invite your readers to suggest a particular outfit (or jewelry, shoes, skin, etc.) from a designer for you to purchase and write about. 3. In the next few weeks, look back over the suggestion list and incorporate these ideas into your regular blogging, marking these entries with the tag "dress me up." Post in as many or few suggestions as you want. It’s up to the blogger’s discretion to pick which items to wear, so no complaining if they don’t pick your idea.
Some rather heart wrenching news hit all of the staff and friends of Sanctuary Rock tonight.
Daisy Beauchamp is leaving Second Life.
I heard about it about an hour before she started handing out notecards offering a final goodbye when I IMed her about something for CoLLisions, but it still is a huge surprise to many who have come to love SR. Many have not known the club without Daisy being there, and now they will have to. Mirari will be taking over as the new owner. Truth be told, SR would not exist without Mir. If Daisy was the heart of the club, Mir is definitely the soul. The Sim will be in good hands, so don't fret.
As for Daisy's reasons for leaving, she told me why but I will respect her privacy on the matter. It is a very hard and painful decision for her to make, but I completely respect her choice. Many things in our lives come in cycles and this is the beginning of a new one for her.
Her drunken DJing and wise cracks will be missed by all of her friends and colleagues, that's for sure. ;-) I'm still grateful that she offered me a chance to help with her RL business (which I had to respectfully decline).
Be well hun... you will remain in our hearts for a long time to come.
Okay those who know me know that I am a comic book geek. Heck I even worked in a comic store for 4 years. In all my reading of comics, there is one and only one story that has been named THE best comic book story of all frickin' time. I'm anticipating the movie release like a kid ready to rush into a huge candy store. But don't take MY word for it... see some of the cool stuff for yourself. :-)
I took a night off from Second Life to focus on relaxation for myself and to try and find some focus that's been lost in my RL lately. To accomplish this I went to my long lost dance studio for a class known as Trance Dance.
Trance Dance is not to be confused with Trance Music for those who are wondering. You are in a room with little to no light... you put on a bandanna over your eyes and then just let the music take you into a trance-like state for approximately an hour or so. During that time you reflect in this trance an intention or question that you are trying to resolve. You don't get clear answers, but you do get deep insight that can open yourself up to new experiences outside of the Trance Dance.
After tonight's dance, our facilitator told us to sit and jot down some things we experienced and/or learned from our dance. I figured I would use this space to explore what I saw and see what comes out of it. If you get some insight from it too, then great. If not... that's okay.
So here's what happened...
After I placed the bandanna on and went into total darkness, the music slowly started to swell and I felt like I was swirling around in a deep body of water. It was still dark, but I was just floating... weightless in an unnamed ocean. I could taste the salt on my lips and I could somehow feel the water splash across my shoulders. As the music continued to rise in volume and rhythm, I was sucked under the water and pulled through a tunnel of rushing water. I was trying and trying to kick and swim to break free of these powerful waves that were sucking me back. Suddenly... the music changed and these waves just... stopped.
I swam up to the surface of the water and took the deepest breath of air that I could. I saw the twinkling of stars in the blackness above me, but for some reason I could not get myself out of the water. After I ducked under one more time... the music shifted again. My head rose from the water to find myself in a room comprised entirely of dirt. I wasn't buried alive, per se. It was a square room but the walls were completely made of earth. It was suffocating to feel so confined in that small space. My fingers were reaching out to dig at the earth to no avail. Finally as the music shifted once more, I noticed that water was forming around my feet. Somehow I was able to direct the water towards the earth and make it into pliable mud to mold and eventually break through.
The music changes to a new song... starting with the sound of a cool breeze. The mud goes away and walls of ice take their place. It was so amazing that I could actually feel the chills touching my skin as I stood there. Once again, I had to focus enough for water to flow from the ground and destroy each wall of chilling ice so that I could escape.
After that... a wall of fire that made my whole body sweat as the heat hit each pore. I was swaying back and forth to avoid each wisp of flame. Water now rose up from my feet just like the whirlpool from the start of my vision and drowned away every bit of fire before it could do me any harm.
This time... instead of fighting the flow, I let it lead me up and away from these claustrophobic elemental prisons and up to break the surface and once again see the faint glittering stars above. My body suddenly wanted to lay back and just let the water take me wherever it desired. The other dancers in the room stomping on the floor actually made it feel like I was floating on the water and I did eventually "wake up" laying on my back.
Profound? New Agey? A bad drug trip? I tend to think of the experience as inspirational and somewhat prophetic. As for its meaning? Some are more obvious than others, however I plan to sleep on it and see if my real dreams are effected by this unusual and yet informative waking dream.
In truth... I feel that my focus has come full circle... for now. :-)
5 DJ sets (2 were voluntary), 3 new CoLLisions items, and a store move later... I'm pretty darn tired. :-P
Good news is that I got a new laptop this past weekend (yay for Black Friday) and actually got SAM to work properly with Vista soooo my microphone should cooperate from now on. w00t!
Oh yeah the new store? Well new owners took over Runningbears at the Beach and well... a lot of us in the mall decided to not move with it. A shame but that's just how things go. :-P Instead I looked up Neil Glenig (yanno the one who made that awesome dress for me?) and talked with him about a spot in his mall on the Carpe Noctem Sim. The spot I got is a big big for my needs but I like it along with all the other wonderful designers in that little shopping area. Take a look when you have a chance!
As for releases... got them listed over on the CoLLisions blog including a new Club exclusive gift for Lounge of Dreams! :-)
Now I'm off to take a loooong hot bath. .o00o.o00o..o00o.
DJ, Business Owner, Writer, Philosopher, Graphic Artist, Music Addict, Geek, Mean Girl, Hopeless Romantic, Social Chameleon and MORE.... with pointy ears to boot.
